


Thus With a Kiss I Die

by alexxwritesfic



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Canonical Character Resurrection, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Gwaine/Percival, Minor Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), SO MUCH FLUFF, Secret Relationship, Swordfighting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2020-10-28 23:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20786897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexxwritesfic/pseuds/alexxwritesfic
Summary: Merlin didn't expect to fall in love with Lancelot. He certainly didn't expect Lancelot to fall in love with him, too. Keeping their relationship a secret is hard, but they soon learn there are worse things than getting caught.(I promise this isn't abandoned, I'm just not sure when I'll be continuing it yet! But it will be updated AT SOME POINT)





	1. Chapter 1

Merlin looked down at the longsword in his hand with a frown, testing its weight.

‘Don’t you like it?’

Merlin looked up as Lancelot joined him in the field. It was a warm day; the sun was hiding behind some clouds, but there was little chance of rain. ‘It’s… heavy. It’s a nice sword, but it’s so different to the one I was using yesterday. The balance is completely off,’ he explained, giving it a couple of practice swings, the second swing nearly causing him to fall over.

Lancelot laughed and helped Merlin to stand up properly. ‘That’s because this sword was made for Percival. It’s perfect for someone of his size and strength.’

‘So why am I using it?’ Merlin asked as Lancelot helped him to adjust his stance. ‘I mean, surely it would be better to practise using a sword made for _my_ size and strength.’

‘You already know how to use a sword like that. What if you find yourself in a situation where you do not have access to your own sword, but you can reach for another? You must be prepared,” Lancelot explained. He drew his own sword. His was of a standard length. ‘Shall we begin?’

Before Merlin had a chance to answer, Lancelot swung his sword at Merlin from above, and Merlin only just had time to lift his own heavier sword to block it.

‘Give me some warning next time!’ Merlin shouted, moving his feet to keep his balance.

Lancelot laughed. ‘You think a bandit would give you warning before he runs you through?’ he asked with a grin, before taking another swing at Merlin.

Merlin moved to block the hit, raising his arms as he stepped backwards. Before he could stop himself, he realised he was tripping over his own feet and fell onto his back. Merlin decided that, as nice as the weather was, a bit of rain wouldn’t be so bad if it stopped the ground being so hard and dry.

Lancelot took no time in approaching and putting his sword to Merlin’s throat. ‘Do you yield?’ he asked, still grinning.

Merlin shook his head carefully, aware of the sword right in front of him. The cold steel against his skin made him aware of just how easily Lancelot could kill him right now, if he wanted to. He knew that he was safe with Lancelot, but it was still a frightening thought. ‘You seem to have forgotten, Lancelot, that if I was attacked by bandits, I have my own means of protecting myself.’ He looked at the sword in Lancelot’s hand and used his magic to push it away, throwing it across the field.

‘You cheated!’ Lancelot exclaimed.

‘Me?’ Merlin asked, feigning innocence. ‘It’s not my fault if you can’t even keep a hold of your sword long enough to kill a man. Maybe you’re the one who needs practise, not me.’

Lancelot laughed as he helped Merlin to stand, using a rough hand to pull him to his feet. ‘You are going to get me into so much trouble one day, I know it.’ He smiled, letting his gaze linger just a moment too long, admiring the way the sunlight hit Merlin’s features, before looking away again. He walked over to where his sword lay on the ground and picked it up, wiping the mud off of it. ‘Let’s try again. Put your right foot forward and bend your knees slightly, it will help with your balance.’

‘Yes, I know that,’ Merlin said, rolling his eyes, ‘I have used a sword before, you know. You just attacked before I had time to get into position.’

‘You better learn to get into position more quickly, then. Bandits will not wait until you are ready,’ Lancelot said as he thrust his sword at Merlin. Merlin stepped back to avoid it as he knocked the blow away with his sword. This time, he managed to stay standing. Lancelot smiled. ‘Much better.’

They spent another hour or so training, focussing mainly on defensive stances, but Merlin did also get a few practice attack swings in. The weight of the sword made it difficult, and Lancelot had to steady him a few times, but Merlin wasn’t worried. Magic had saved him in fights more times than he could count; the sword practise was just an extra precaution. Besides, it was nice to spend time with Lancelot. Merlin likes that he could actually be himself, that he didn’t have to hide or be afraid.

‘We should be getting back to the castle,’ Lancelot said eventually, ‘I have no doubt Arthur has found something for you to do.’

Merlin groaned. He’d much rather stay and practise some more, but he knew Lancelot was right. ‘If I’m back any later, Arthur will probably make me muck out his stables as punishment.’

‘He’ll probably do that anyway,’ Lancelot pointed out, laughing as Merlin playfully shoved him. ‘Come on, I’ll take the blame for you being gone so long.’ He clapped Merlin on the back as they began to make their way back to the castle.

They had barely made it two steps inside the castle when Arthur’s familiar shout of ‘MERLIN!’ echoed through the walls. Merlin sighed. Lancelot laughed. The pair made their way upstairs to Arthur’s chambers.

‘Where the hell have you been?’ Arthur demanded as soon as the door was opened. He was standing next to his bed, half-dressed and holding what seemed to be an important document in his hands.

Merlin didn’t know why he was nervous to answer. ‘Oh, I was just -’

‘Forgive me, my Lord,’ Lancelot interrupted, stepping forward. ‘Merlin was with me. I have been training him to fight with a sword.’

Arthur barked a laugh. ‘Merlin sword fighting? I wish I had been there to see that, I could do with some entertainment.’

‘Hey, I’ll have you know I was actually pretty good!’ Merlin said, folding his arms.

‘You were,’ Lancelot agreed. Merlin smiled, but his smile fell when Lancelot added, ‘except for the parts where you fell over.’

‘Now _that_ I can believe,’ Arthur said, turning to Merlin. ‘I need you to muck out my stables, polish my armour, wash my clothes, run me a bath, and shine my shoes.’

Merlin groaned. ‘One minute to myself would be nice, you know.’

‘You can have a minute to yourself when you’ve finished everything on the list... which I have just added to! I also need you to sharpen my swords, repair the hole in my shirt, oh, and my floor could do with being cleaned, too.’ Arthur grinned and ruffled Merlin’s hair. ‘Have fun.’

Merlin sent a pleading look towards Lancelot, but Lancelot simply laughed and shook his head before walking away. Merlin sighed. It was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man I haven't posted a fic in years but here we go!! A chapter!! Thank you so much for reading and I promise it gets much gayer very soon (I'll try to upload somewhat regularly!!)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin and Lancelot talk about their Feelings

‘What are you doing out here all alone?’ Merlin asked, approaching Lancelot. Lancelot was laying on the grass, in the same field where they had practised sword fighting just a few days earlier.

Lancelot looked over at the sound of Merlin’s voice, but he made no move to stand up. ‘I’m watching the clouds.’

‘The clouds?’

‘Yes, I... Well, it probably sounds silly, but I like to watch the clouds and imagine I can see different shapes in them.’ A shadow appeared on Lancelot’s face and he looked up to see Merlin standing over him, grinning with his head blocking out the sun. ‘You’re laughing at me.’

Merlin’s face changed into an expression of innocence. ‘What? No. I wouldn’t laugh at you. I actually think it’s sweet. I mean, I don’t think that _you _are sweet. Just the idea of watching clouds.’

‘So you do not think I’m sweet?’

‘No! That’s not what I -'

‘I’m teasing, Merlin. I know what you meant.’

Merlin laughed and sat down next to Lancelot, looking up at the sky. ‘So tell me, what shape do you see in that one?’ he asked, pointing up to a large cloud.

Lancelot thought about it for a couple of seconds. ‘A horse. Wait, no, don’t – don’t laugh at me, Merlin. Look: that part there is the head, see? And then the part sticking out is its tail.’

‘Oh, now I see it,’ Merlin said, grinning, ‘It’s one of those rare horses that only have one leg.’

Lancelot was about to reply, but then Merlin muttered a spell under his breath. His eyes glowed gold, and Lancelot watched as the cloud they had been looking at took on the shape of a horse.

‘Amazing…’ Lancelot muttered, a smile on his face as the horse slowly shifted back into a more generic cloud shape. ‘How does it feel? When you use magic, I mean. What does it feel like?’

Merlin blinked. He had never been asked that before. ‘It’s… well, it’s kind of hard to describe. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but it feels like the colour gold. That doesn’t make sense at all, does it? It’s a sort of… warm feeling, it starts in your chest and it spreads through your body and makes you feel safe.’

‘Like a hug?’ Lancelot asked.

‘Yeah, something like that.’

Lancelot put his arm around Merlin and pulled him closer. ‘Does this feel like magic?’ he asked, his voice low.

Merlin’s breath caught in his throat. He allowed himself a moment to enjoy this, the feeling of Lancelot’s strong arm around him, the safety and comfort that it brought, before finally forcing himself to speak. ‘Yes. This is… this is good.’ He sighed and shook his head, looking away, ‘We shouldn’t be doing this.’

Lancelot’s face fell as he pulled his arm away. ‘I see. I am sorry if I offended –’

‘You didn’t! I’m not offended!’

‘So what’s the problem?’

Merlin sighed. ‘Arthur wouldn’t approve, for one thing. You know what he’s like.’

‘Who says we have to tell him?’ Lancelot asked, a mischievous grin on his face. ‘You already keep one secret from him, surely you can manage another.’

‘What about Gwen?’ Merlin asked, and Lancelot froze.

‘My feelings about Guinevere are… complicated,’ he admitted, ‘but they do not make my feelings for you any less real.’

Merlin bit his lip. He wanted this. God, how he wanted this, but something kept holding him back. Lancelot was perfect. Literally perfect. Merlin hated himself for it, but he was a little bit jealous of Gwen. Her and Lancelot had history, they had chemistry; anyone could see that. Lancelot was far too noble and loyal to ever betray Arthur’s trust by pursuing Gwen, but that knowledge didn’t exactly help Merlin feel better. Lancelot may not act on those feelings, but those feelings were still there. He felt like he was just the second choice, and he didn’t know how to cope with that.

‘I need time to think,’ Merlin said eventually.

Lancelot nodded, understanding. ‘Of course. As much time as you need. I am sorry if I pushed you.’

‘No, don’t apologise,’ Merlin said quickly, ‘You didn’t push me, I promise. I just… I want to be sure that this is the best thing for me. For us. Because I want this.’

Lancelot laid back, looking up at the clouds again and Merlin did the same with a small smile on his face. Without looking, he reached towards Lancelot until their fingers brushed together. It took a few seconds for Lancelot to catch on, but he then took Merlin’s hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. Merlin tried to ignore the way his cheeks were burning. He had no idea what would come next for him and Lancelot, but right now, in this moment, he was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a pretty short chapter, but I promise chapter 3 will be a lot longer!! I'm trying to stay a couple of chapters ahead of what I'm posting and I'm super excited for where this is going. Thanks so much for reading!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin makes a decision. Gwaine and Percival are low-key gay.

It had been a week since Lancelot and Merlin confessed their feelings to each other under the clouds, and they had barely spoken since. They weren’t avoiding each other, exactly, but Merlin wasn’t comfortable with being alone with Lancelot just yet, not while he was still figuring things out. He was almost glad for the ridiculous amount of tasks Arthur had him doing, because it meant he had a legitimate excuse for not being around Lancelot.

When he wasn’t doing a million things for Arthur, Merlin was helping Gaius, who was pleasantly surprised by his sudden eagerness to help out and learn. Gaius, of course, knew Merlin too well, and suspected there was something more going on. However, every time he tried to press Merlin about it, he was met with the same response.

‘I’m _fine_, Gaius. Honestly, I thought you’d be happy that I’m finally taking an interest in your work.’

Gaius sighed. ‘Of course I am, but I can tell something else is bothering you. I can hear you pacing in your room at night. If there’s anything I can do to –’

‘You can’t, Gaius,’ Merlin said, perhaps a little too harshly. He shook his head, knowing he wasn’t being fair. ‘I’m sorry for snapping. This is something I need to figure out on my own.’

This conversation had happened multiple times in the past week, and Merlin and Gaius were both getting tired of it. Merlin knew Gaius was trying to be supportive, but every time it was brought up, it just made him more stressed. Gaius was right, though; he had spent the best part of an hour just pacing last night, and it hadn’t helped at all. His heart yearned for Lancelot, but his mind couldn’t help running through all of the possible problems their relationship could cause. He was scared. His friendship with Lancelot was special, and they would be taking a huge risk. Perhaps that risk was worth taking, though. Either way, he knew he had to decide _something_ soon – there was no point worrying about preserving his friendship with Lancelot if they didn’t even speak to each other.

Merlin was in the middle of mixing ingredients for Gaius when he suddenly dropped everything on the table. ‘I have to go.’

‘Right now?’

‘Yes, it’s… very urgent. Arthur said he… he wants dinner early tonight.’

Gaius raised an eyebrow, but he said nothing, simply giving Merlin a slight nod. That was all the encouragement Merlin needed. He was running out of the room before Gaius could so much as blink.

Merlin soon realised he had no idea where Lancelot would be. Luckily, it wasn’t too difficult to figure out, as he soon heard the unmistakable sound of Percival’s laughter. Rounding the corner, Merlin found himself face-to-face with Percival and Gwaine.

‘Merlin!’ Percival said, a huge grin on his face and his arm around Gwaine’s shoulders, ‘Did you see Lancelot? He was looking for you earlier.’

Merlin shook his head. ‘I was actually on my way to find him myself. Do you know where he is?’

‘Last time I saw him was in the armoury. He’s probably still there,’ Percival said.

‘But if he isn’t, we’re all going to the tavern later,’ Gwaine said, ‘you’re welcome to join.’

Merlin nodded. ‘Thanks,’ he said, but he didn’t give the knights a chance to respond as he tore through the castle on his way to the armoury. He stopped outside, taking a deep breath before pushing open the door and walking in. Sure enough, Lancelot was still in there, putting away the last of his equipment. Merlin closed the door behind him and Lancelot looked up. Lancelot’s eyes widened for a second before taking on a neutral expression.

‘Oh. Merlin. Did Arthur send you in here for something?’

Merlin chuckled, shaking his head. ‘I’m here to see you.’

Lancelot stood up immediately and walked over to Merlin. Both hope and fear were clear in his eyes as he took one of Merlin’s hands in his own.

Merlin smiled. Until this very moment, he still hadn’t been sure what his answer would be, or if he’d even be able to face Lancelot. He had just known he had to give his answer. Now, however, it seemed so obvious, that he didn’t know how it had taken him a week to figure it out. With his free hand, he took hold of Lancelot’s shirt and used it to pull Lancelot even closer until finally – _finally _– they were kissing.

Merlin’s heart was racing. This was everything he’d hoped for and more. Any fears and doubts that had still been in his mind were now gone, all that mattered was being here with Lancelot.

Eventually, Lancelot pulled away, grinning. ‘I suppose I have my answer,’ he said.

Merlin laughed. He could tell his face was bright red from blushing, but he couldn’t find it within himself to care. ‘I suppose you do.’

Lancelot leaned in for another kiss. However, this one was cut short, as the sound of footsteps going past the armoury caused them to break apart and pull away from each other. The door remained closed and Lancelot let out a breath. ‘We should probably not do that in places we could be so easily caught.

‘You’re probably right,’ Merlin agreed, ‘although I do think the risk is part of the fun, don’t you?’ He was grateful that no one walked in, however, because he wasn’t sure he was ready to explain himself to anyone. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to put Lancelot in that position, either. If they were going to tell anyone about this – whatever “this” was – it had to be something they figured out together.

‘So…’ Lancelot said.

‘So…’ Merlin replied, ‘I hear the Knights are going to the tavern tonight. Gwaine invited me. I guess I’ll see you there?’

‘Of course,’ Lancelot smiled. He gave Merlin one last quick kiss before straightening his clothes and opening the door of the armoury.

Merlin made his way back to Gaius’ chambers, a wide smile on his face.

‘You’re in a better mood,’ Gaius observed as Merlin walked in, ‘I take it this means you’ve found the answer to your earlier problem?’

Merlin nodded. ‘I have. Now I get to celebrate in the tavern. I’ll be good, I promise, don’t worry,’ he added when he saw the look on Gaius’ face. He ran up to his room to pick out a new shirt to wear. Not that he had much of a variety to choose from, but he thought it would be nice to make the effort. Besides, he’d rather not turn up at the tavern in the same shirt he’d been mixing ingredients in earlier. He found a cornflower blue shirt on the floor and, after determining that it was clean enough, put it on. It was a relatively new shirt, and it was a little too big for him, so it wasn’t one he had worn very often. He doubted his effort would even be noticed, but he still hoped Lancelot would appreciate it.

The tavern was completely packed by the time Merlin arrived. In the far corner, a fight had broken out which had caught most people’s attention, as they cheered loudly and placed bets on the winner. The Knights were already there, sitting around a table on the other side of the tavern, and Arthur was with them. He’d been hoping to spend time with the Knights – with Lancelot – without Arthur being there, but he supposed it wasn’t the end of the world. He was still going to have a good time.

‘Merlin!’ Gwaine called, waving. He moved up so there was space next to him to sit down, but Merlin noticed that there was just about room for him to squeeze in next to Lancelot, who was watching him with a smirk. Merlin didn’t hesitate before forcing himself into the space between Lancelot and Elyan.

‘I’m hurt, Merlin,’ Gwaine said, trying his best to put on a sad face.

Percival put his arm around Gwaine’s shoulders, laughing. ‘Hey, you don’t need Merlin, you’ve got me.’

Gwaine considered this for a second before grinning and leaning his head against Percival’s arm. ‘Does that mean you’re going to buy me a drink?’ Merlin suspected Gwaine had already had more than enough drinks. The table was already covered in empty tankards which, judging from the smell, Merlin guessed had contained beer and ale.

Percival sighed dramatically. ‘Alright, next round of drinks is on me. But you’re buying the one after, Merlin, you have to make up for being late.’

Merlin didn’t get a chance to respond, because at that moment Lancelot took his hand under the table, and all of Merlin’s thoughts stopped in their tracks. He looked at Lancelot, who was innocently looking away while drinking, but he could see the playful smirk on his face.

Merlin bit his lip. He was worried about getting caught. He knew the rest of the Knights wouldn’t mind (if anything, they’d love another excuse to tease Merlin) but he wasn’t so sure how well Arthur would take it. Love between two men wasn’t outlawed, not like magic was, but it was still heavily frowned upon. Being caught could have disastrous consequences, particularly for Lancelot. Getting caught would cause a scandal no matter who they were, but for a well-respected Knight of Camelot to be part of such a scandal… Merlin didn’t want to think about what might happen. However, Lancelot then looked at him, and Merlin found it hard to care what happened so long as he was looking into those warm eyes.

In fact, if he hadn’t been interrupted by Percival slamming a drink down right in front of him, Merlin was pretty sure he would have kissed Lancelot right then and there. Now, however, he was brought back to reality. He kept a tight grip on Lancelot’s hand, and used his free hand to pick up the drink. This wasn’t so bad, he decided.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The boys!! They kissed!! This was extremely fun to write, I wrote almost the entire chapter while listening to 'When You Look Me In The Eyes' by the Jonas Brothers on repeat.


	4. Chapter 4

‘Ah, Merlin, so nice of you to finally join us,’ Arthur said as Merlin ran through the doors into the throne room, interrupting the meeting that was going on.

Merlin barely acknowledged the rest of the room: men from various noble houses – he had no idea which and he hoped he wasn’t expected to know – were seated around the table. ‘Sorry, Sire, I overslept,’ he lied, still a little out of breath from running.

‘You were sleeping.’

‘Yes, Sire.’

‘In the middle of the afternoon?’

Merlin hesitated. He could feel the eyes of the noblemen watching him. ‘Yes, Sire,’ he finally said.

Arthur rolled his eyes. ‘You really are completely useless, aren’t you, Merlin?’ A couple of noblemen laughed.

Merlin stopped himself from suggesting that he wouldn’t end up sleeping all day if Arthur didn’t overwork him so much. He had no idea how important these noblemen might be to Camelot, and he really didn’t want to risk finding out, especially when him being asleep was a complete lie anyway.

A few hours previously, Lancelot had suggested that he and Merlin should go for a ride together. They hadn’t gone far, only to the woods just outside of the city, but they had lost track of time in each other’s company. They had stopped for a picnic by the riverbank, and Lancelot had looked at him with such adoration in his eyes that Merlin thought he might melt. It was only as the sun was beginning to set that Merlin realised that hours had gone by, and Arthur no doubt needed him.

Even if Arthur was angry now, Merlin didn’t regret it. He’d had so much fun that even the knowledge that he’d be punished for his incompetence didn’t worry him. Perhaps he’d have to clean the floor until he could see his reflection in it, or wash all of Arthur’s clothes – even the ones that were already clean. It didn’t matter to him.

‘Is there anything you need, my Lord?’ Merlin asked, standing up straight with his hands behind his back.

Arthur glared at him. ‘What I _need_, Merlin, is for you to stop interrupting my meetings.’ He sighed, frustrated, when Merlin continued to stand there. ‘That means you’re dismissed, Merlin.’

Merlin nodded and backed out of the room quickly, not wanting to push his luck. He turned left as he exited the throne room and found Lancelot leaning casually against a wall, waiting for him.

‘I didn’t hear any shouting, I take it that means you are not in too much trouble?’ Lancelot asked, easily falling into pace with him.

Merlin laughed, ‘I think he just didn’t want to cause a scene in front of everyone. I’m sure I’ll get in proper trouble later.’ He let his hand brush against Lancelot’s as they walked. ‘You know, until Arthur gets out of his meeting, I don’t have anything to do. So if you’re also free…’

Lancelot grinned and stopped outside of the next room that they passed, listening at the door: the room was empty. He pushed open the door and pulled Merlin inside before closing and locking the door behind them. It was a small storeroom, containing a variety of cleaning supplies that Merlin was sure he would become familiar with soon enough. He didn’t have much time to think about that, though, because then Lancelot’s hands were on his arms, just holding him, and nothing else mattered.

Lancelot took a deep breath as he reached a hand up to Merlin’s cheek, gently brushing his thumb over the cheekbone. ‘I have never felt this way about anyone,’ he confessed.

‘Not even Gwen?’

Lancelot shook his head. ‘Guinevere is special to me – she always will be – but you are something else entirely, Merlin.’

Merlin smiled, a faint blush on his cheeks. He found it hard to be jealous of Gwen’s history with Lancelot when he said things like that. Besides, that was in the past now, he reminded himself. Gwen’s heart belonged to Arthur, and she would never betray Arthur like that, nor would Lancelot. He was far too honourable. It wasn’t worth getting upset about. ‘Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think you dragged me in here just to compliment me.’

‘Observant, aren’t you?’ Lancelot teased, moving his hand from Merlin’s cheek to behind his neck and using it to pull him closer for a kiss. It was gentle, slow; Lancelot’s kisses always were, but merlin _wanted_ and he kissed back hard. Lancelot paused for a moment, taken aback by the sudden change in pace, but he didn’t pull away. After a second, he was kissing Merlin with just as much – if not more – urgency.

‘Merlin,’ Lancelot breathed. One hand was still behind Merlin’s head, lightly caressing his hair, and his other hand started to pull off Merlin’s jacket. Merlin helped shrug off his jacket, but in his eagerness he threw the jacket towards the wall without thinking, knocking a bucket off the shelf. The sudden crash caused the two to jump apart, hearts racing.

‘Sorry,’ Merlin muttered, ‘that was my fault.’

‘It was probably for the best. I don’t think this is the best location for us to –’

‘No, no, you’re probably right,’ Merlin agreed, unable to help the grin spreading across his face. ‘That was fun, though.’

‘Yes, it was, wasn’t it?’ Lancelot smiled, reaching out to take Merlin’s hand in his. ‘I have been thinking about telling Gwaine about us – only if you also want to, of course. I think he would be understanding, and he is an honourable man, he would not tell our secret.’

Merlin considered it. It would be nice for someone else to know about them, to be able to have someone who they didn’t have to hide with. At the same time, it was terrifying. He trusted Gwaine, though, and so did Lancelot. He nodded. ‘Okay, let’s tell him, and if it all goes wrong we’ll just pretend it was some sort of joke.’

***

They decided that the tavern was the best place to tell Gwaine. They would be able to sit in a quiet corner to talk, with the noise of the rest of the tavern stopping anyone else from overhearing. It was a good plan, in theory, but now that he was there, Merlin was starting to rethink it. He was tapping his fingers on the table as he watched the door. His heart jumped as the door to the tavern opened and Lancelot walked in, Gwaine at his side. This was it.

‘Merlin!’ Gwaine called out as he made his way over and Lancelot went to get drinks. Merlin plastered on a smile. Gwaine sat down opposite him. ‘Lancelot was being very suspicious on the way here, he wouldn’t tell me what’s going on.’

Merlin managed a laugh. ‘Well, you’ll find out soon enough.’ He realised he was still drumming his fingers on the table and he forced himself to stop.

Gwaine’s eyebrows furrowed. ‘Are you alright, Merlin?’

Merlin was saved from having to answer by Lancelot arriving with the drinks, which was enough to distract Gwaine for a moment. Merlin felt himself relax, even if it was only slightly, as Lancelot sat down next to him.

‘Why do I feel like I’m in trouble?’ Gwaine asked, eyeing the two of them suspiciously.

‘Oh, no, nothing like that,’ Lancelot promised, ‘this is a good thing.’ He bit his lip and looked at Merlin, unsure how to continue.

Merlin smiled at him and placed his hand on the table. Lancelot took the hint and placed his hand over Merlin’s. For a moment, looking into Lancelot’s eyes, Merlin forgot about the tavern, he forgot that Gwaine was watching them. It was just him and Lancelot against the world, and he thought he might die of happiness.

Merlin was pulled back to reality by Gwaine’s laughter. He had prepared himself for a multitude of reactions, but laughter wasn’t one of them. ‘I knew it!’ Gwaine cried, ‘I told Percival there was something going on with you two but he wasn’t so sure, but I knew I was right!’ He was still grinning as he took in the uncertain faces of his friends. ‘You can trust me not to tell anyone, I swear. Percival and I are in a similar position.’

‘Oh! In that case, you could tell him too,’ Merlin said, looking over to Lancelot who nodded his agreement, ‘then the four of us wouldn’t have to hide around each other.’

‘That would be great. Thanks, Merlin,’ Gwaine said. He finished his drink and stood up. ‘Shall I get us more drinks? We have a lot to celebrate.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking forever to update! I really struggled with writing this chapter, I don't know why. I still don't love it, but I didn't want to keep stressing over it (writing is supposed to be fun, after all) so there it is. I'm excited for chapter five, though! Thank you for being patient with me


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry it took me so long to update this! I got stuck a few times trying to write this chapter, and then university work had to take priority for a while. I really appreciate your patience, and the lovely comments people have been leaving have meant the world to me, so thank you!!

The bandits came out of nowhere. Merlin was travelling with Arthur, Percival and Lancelot. It was supposed to be a simple hunting trip; they weren’t expecting any trouble so they were unprepared and quickly outnumbered.

There were three bandits running at him, but Arthur was nearby, so Merlin knew he couldn’t risk using obvious magic. He managed to get the closest one to drop his sword and was in the process of backing away from the others when he heard the cry of pain. He wanted so badly to believe it was one of the bandits being killed, but he knew Lancelot’s voice too well to mistake it for anything else.

He looked round, his attackers forgotten, in time to see Lancelot fall to the ground, clutching his side with one hand while using the other hand to fight off the bandits the best he could. Merlin froze, panic rising in his chest. He heard a crash behind him and turned towards the noise. Both of the bandits that had still been coming towards him were now on the ground, knocked out by Percival.

‘Thanks,’ Merlin said.

Percival nodded. ‘Any time.’

Merlin looked around him. Despite their group being outnumbered and unprepared, most of the bandits had been defeated already, with Arthur fighting off the last few with ease. As soon as the path to Lancelot was clear, Merlin ran over to him. ‘Are you alright?’

Lancelot’s breathing was heavy and his face was coated in sweat. He pulled his hand away from his side, but upon seeing the amount of blood, he quickly put it back. ‘Would you believe me if I said I’m fine?’ he asked. It sounded like it was taking all of his energy to get the words out.

‘No,’ Merlin said, ‘but I know you will be. We’ll get you back to Gaius and he’ll – Lancelot? Lancelot, stay with me.’

Lancelot had lost consciousness while Merlin was talking, but he was still breathing, at least. Merlin took off his jacket and wrapped it around Lancelot’s waist the best he could. It wouldn’t work in the long-term as a bandage, but it would hopefully stop the blood flow until they got back to Camelot.

Arthur walked over, sheathing his sword. ‘We need to get him to Gaius, and quickly,’ he said. He picked Lancelot up as carefully as he could and looked at Percival. ‘Will you ride with him? Make sure he doesn’t fall off the horse.’

Percival hesitated. ‘Actually, I was going to suggest that Merlin ride with him. He’s got a better head for medicine than me. If Lancelot needs anything on the ride back, I’d rather he be in Merlin’s capable hands.’ Arthur considered this for a moment before agreeing. Merlin briefly wondered if Arthur had decided to hold back a joke about Merlin’s capability, but he didn’t dwell on it. He gave a grateful nod to Percival.

‘Will you be alright?’ Percival asked quietly as he helped Merlin get Lancelot on his horse.

Merlin shrugged. ‘As long as Lancelot’s okay, I will be.’

‘Do you think he’ll be okay?’

‘I don’t know,’ he admitted as he climbed onto the horse behind Lancelot. He took a moment to adjust himself so that he was holding Lancelot in place while still having a good grip on the reins.

The ride back to Camelot seemed to go on forever. From the way he arms were wrapped around Lancelot’s waist, he could feel the blood seeping through his jacket and onto his arms, so he tightened his grip, not letting himself cry. Lancelot would be fine, he reminded himself, Gaius would fix it and everything would be alright. He tried to ignore the feeling of dread building up in his chest.

Arthur and Percival carried Lancelot into Gaius’ chambers, Merlin following close behind.

As Arthur explained what had happened, Gaius examined the wound, the concern on his face growing with every second. He quickly wrapped a new bandage around the wound.

‘So, how long until I can expect him to be in fighting shape again?’ Arthur asked.

Gaius frowned, looking first at Merlin and then at Arthur. ‘I’m afraid, my Lord, he's unlikely to wake. The best thing we can do for him now is to make sure he’s comfortable.’

Everything was a blur. Merlin knew there was conversation still going on around him, but he couldn’t make out any words. The only thing he could focus on was Lancelot’s body. The hands that he would hold; the lips that he would kiss, that would never again shape into that smile that he loved so –

_Love_. The thought hit him like a ton of bricks. He couldn’t breathe. He loved Lancelot.

He was pulled back to reality by the feeling of a hand on his shoulder. Arthur was looking at him, something akin to concern on his face. ‘Are you alright? You don’t look well.’

Merlin nodded, clearing his throat. ‘Yeah – yeah, I’m fine. Just… shocked.’

‘Yeah. Me too,’ Arthur muttered, ‘I guess I should inform the others, come on.’

‘Actually, Sire,’ Gaius interrupted before Merlin to turn to follow Arthur and Percival out of the room, ‘I was hoping Merlin could stay here with me. I’ll need his help with… preparations.’

‘Oh, of course, Gaius. Whatever you need.’ Arthur glanced at Lancelot one more time, expression unreadable, before turning and leaving, Percival close behind him.

‘What’s going on?’ Gaius asked as soon as they were alone.

Merlin hesitated. His first instinct was to lie, to say that he was fine, that he was simply worried about his friend. He knew, however, that even if he lied now, he would end up confessing the truth to Gaius eventually anyway. He just had to hope he would be supportive. He bit his lip, looking at Lancelot on the bed, breathing heavily as blood was already seeping through the brand new bandage. ‘I love him,’ Merlin said quietly, not taking his eyes off of Lancelot.

It was impossible to read Gaius’ face. ‘I see. I really am sorry, Merlin. There’s nothing I can do for him.’

‘There has to be something. Maybe… something _I_ can do.’

‘Merlin…’ Gaius sighed.

‘No, I can’t just sit back and watch him die,’ Merlin said desperately, ‘if there’s a spell you know that could help, you have to tell me.’

‘_Merlin_,’ Gaius said, more sternly this time, ‘I understand that you want to help him, but you must remember there are consequences to you using magic like that. What would people say if Lancelot suddenly made a full recovery?’

‘They’d say, “Wow, Gaius is a genius. He’s the best physician in the world and we should give him more money”?’

Gaius frowned. ‘I’m sorry, Merlin, truly, but it’s too dangerous.’ He placed a comforting hand on Merlin’s shoulder. ‘There’s a potion I can make for him to lessen his pain. I was going to ask you to collect the ingredients, but if you’d rather stay with Lancelot, I can go.’

Merlin considered the offer for a moment. On one hand, he would probably be able to get the ingredients much faster than Gaius, but on the other hand, the thought of leaving Lancelot’s side filled him with indescribable dread. He sat down at the side of the bed, taking Lancelot’s hand in his. ‘Thank you, Gaius,’ he said. He heard Gaius’ footsteps, and the door open and close, but he didn’t look up. All of his attention was on Lancelot now as he racked his brains trying to think of a spell that might save him.

He had no idea how long he sat there, not speaking, not moving, barely even breathing. The sound of the door opening caught his attention and he looked up to see Gwen rushing in.

‘I just heard the news, I got here as soon as I could,’ she explained. She pulled up a chair next to Merlin and sat down. ‘How is he?’

Merlin sighed and shook his head. ‘No change. He doesn’t seem to be any worse, but…’

Gwen looked at him, concerned. ‘Merlin, you look terrible.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Oh, no, I didn’t mean… I just meant you should get some rest. I’ll stay with Lancelot.’

‘No,’ Merlin said quickly, his grip on Lancelot’s hand tightening. ‘No, I’m fine, I don’t want to leave him.’

Gwen studied Merlin curiously. She looked at the tight grip he had on Lancelot’s hand, the way he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Lancelot’s face, the fear in his eyes that she’d never seen before, and she understood. ‘He means a lot to me too,’ she said, though she knew her words wouldn’t bring him any comfort. ‘Whatever happens, know that I’m here for you.’

Merlin nodded. Having Gwen sitting by his side was a comfort, even if just a small one. At the same time, however, he wanted nothing more than to be alone. Lancelot was getting paler and paler as he lost more blood. If there was a way to stop the bleeding, it might buy Lancelot more time. Merlin’s eyes widened; there was a spell for that, _of course_ there was. He bit his lip and looked at Gwen. ‘Can you fetch some fresh bandages?’ he asked.

Gwen nodded, jumping to her feet. ‘I’ll be back as soon as I can.’

Merlin waited a couple of seconds after Gwen left the room, making sure she wasn’t going to suddenly run back in for something. Once he was certain that wouldn’t happen, he put his hand on Lancelot’s side, pressing down and ignoring how the warm blood was quickly covering his palms. He took a deep breath, stuttering a few times as he tried to start the spell. He closed his eyes, focusing all of his thoughts onto Lancelot’s recovery, and muttered the words of the spell.

He opened his eyes, studying Lancelot intensely, but nothing seemed to have changed. He frowned, pressing down harder, and tried again.

Again.

Again.

_Please_.

Again.

Lancelot coughed. Merlin’s eyes shot to his face; he held his breath.

Lancelot’s eyes fluttered open. ‘…Merlin?’

Merlin didn’t react at first, scared that if he moved he would lose Lancelot again. Once it was clear that wasn’t going to happen, however, he leaned forward and kissed Lancelot. He tried to pour everything he was feeling into that kiss. Fear, relief, anger, guilt, worry, but most importantly love. Lancelot kissed him with just as much emotion. His kiss felt like a reassurance, a promise that he was okay, that whatever came next they would both be okay.

They broke away at the sound of the door opening.

‘Merlin, what did you do?’ Merlin flinched at the anger in Gaius’ voice.

He stood up. ‘I couldn’t just let him die, Gaius.’

‘This was reckless. How am I meant to explain how Lancelot has recovered from a fatal wound? If the truth gets out… you’ve put yourself in so much danger.’

‘Gaius, please,’ Lancelot interrupted. He tried to sit up but winced at the pain, laying back down. ‘If Merlin had been the one who was hurt, would you have let him die? Even if saving him meant risking everything?’

Gaius sighed, considering this, before pulling Merlin into a bone-crushing hug, ‘I’m proud of you.’

Only a minute later, Gwen came running in, a variety of bandages in her hands. ‘I hope I got enough. I don’t know how often – oh! Lancelot, you’re alive. Of- of course you’re _alive_, but you’re awake. That’s good. It’s great, I mean.’

Lancelot smiled. ‘Thank you, Guinevere, it’s good to see you.’

Gwen smiled and put the bandages down on the table. ‘How did you manage it?’ she asked, looking at Merlin and Gaius.

They both hesitated before Gaius spoke. ‘While we were looking for a remedy to ease Lancelot’s pain, Merlin found a recipe for a potion that had a chance of healing him. It seems to have worked.’

It was impossible to tell whether or not Gwen believed that, but she didn’t question it. She simply nodded. ‘Well, I’m glad it worked.’

‘Yeah,’ Merlin said, taking a seat next to the bed again, not taking his eyes off of Lancelot, ‘so am I.’ Lancelot smiled and reached for his hand.


End file.
